Complicated
by Raquelita
Summary: Thanks to Coraline, Mick finds himself human again - if only just for now. Beth seems happy to hear the news, but with Josh's recent death their relationship is more than a little complicated. Love, though, is an unpredictable thing. 'T' for later. R&R!
1. The Funeral

**A/N: anyone else heartbroken that we won't be getting new 'moonlight' for awhile? Absolutely tragic. So here's a little something to tide you over in Beth's POV…R&R!**

**Disclaimer: I still own nothing. But if I owned Mick St. John, let me tell you…**

I sit in the small wooden chair staring down at the ring on my left hand. I didn't want to look at the priest who was talking, or at the coffin as they lowered it into the grave. Josh was gone…really gone. And he had wanted to marry me. If he had proposed, what would my answer have been?

_You know, _piped up a small voice in my head, _You couldn't have done it. Not with Mick in your life. Not with something like that hanging over your relationship. And Josh never even knew…_

I shook myself. Whether or not Josh knew that I once kissed Mick St. John was irrelevant. I loved Josh. My feelings for Mick were, well, I hadn't quite found a word for them yet. But maybe the voice was right, maybe I couldn't have married Josh feeling so confused. But the problem is that I'm still confused, now more than ever.

Glancing up, I notice that Mick is watching me in that quiet way of his. I wish I knew what he was thinking when he looks at me that way. I can't read his eyes…is it sympathy, concern, pain, or – and I almost wish it were – want. Thoughts like that are the very reason I could not have spent the rest of my life with Josh.

When the funeral is over, I say my goodbyes and am left alone at Josh's grave. I just need moment to compose myself. I feel like I should say something, something to Josh.

"I loved you," I whisper, as I blink back more tears, "I do love you. And I didn't deserve you. And I'm so sorry, so sorry for everything that happened. I hope you can forgive me," I kiss my hand and place it on his headstone, "Good bye sweetheart."

As I walk back to my car, I notice Mick coming toward me.

"What happened to your face?" I ask taking in the cuts and bruises that I didn't really notice during the service, "Wait a minute…"

Suddenly it dawns on me. Vampires can't really get hurt. Well, they can, but they heal instantly. Mick's face looks like something out of an action movie after the main character gets tossed around by the bad guys. It couldn't be that way unless –

"Are you human?" I ask. The question sticks in my throat in a strange way, and I'm half afraid, half hoping for the answer.

"For now," he replies.

A small smile creeps onto his face, and I can't help but smile too. This, humanity, was the one thing Mick wanted so badly. And now he has it – for how long we don't know.

"So the cure really isn't permanent?"

"Not this one anyway, but it's already more than I hoped for. I woke up this morning and I ate breakfast. Real breakfast – eggs, bacon, toast, I had coffee for the first time in decades. And coming here this morning…I could feel the sun without it making me sick. I could be outside. I forgot Beth, I forgot how really wonderful it is."

His smile falters for a moment, "I'm sorry," he adds, "I'm going on and on about this and you've just been through so much," he shakes his head, That was insensitive."

"No," I say quickly, "No, Mick. Don't feel bad about being excited to be human again. Excited to be alive – that's a good thing you know?" I sigh and glance back toward Josh's grave, "The beauty of life is something a lot of people overlook. You don't realize it until it's gone."

"Beth, if there's anything I can do, I – "

"Thanks, but…I think I'll be okay. It won't be easy, but I'll be okay."

Mick nods and gives me another smile, one of encouragement. I know how badly he needed to hear those words, how badly he needed things to be okay not just with me, but with us.

"I think I just need to be alone for a little while."

"Of course," he replies, "I understand."

"But I am happy for you," I add, "And I'm glad you came today."

I decide not to mention that one of the reasons is because I feel so safe every time he's near me. Having him here just gave me a sense of comfort – something that I desperately needed.

"Take care of yourself," he says as I open my car door,, "And Beth, if you need to talk, or if you need someone to be there or anything, my door is always open to you."

"Okay," I give him a smile, "Thanks Mick."

He nods and shuts the door for me, giving a small wave as I drive away.

My friendship with Mick St. John has definitely complicated things in my life - but at the same time, today of all days I feel incredibly lucky to know him. And he's human again. I don't want to - or maybe just can't - wrap my mind around what that could mean. But even if it's only just for now, I know he deserves this. A chance at life, a real life, however brief, is something Mick truly deserves.

**A/N: hope you enjoyed it, the next chapter will be up soon i promise. please review!**


	2. Scotch on the Rocks

**A/N: next chapter up one day later. Woot! And feel free to check out my moonlight oneshots too ******** Now, without further ado, Mick's POV (I'll probably be alternating)…**

I watch Beth's car drive away until it turns the corner out of sight. It was strange, that interaction with her. When I was a vampire things were different between us. I would say the connection was stronger, but I see now it was just different. This, a human connection, is something I forgot the feel of. But being with her as a mortal feels a lot like it did when I first met Coraline.

Unfortunately this means I can't lie to myself anymore. I kept thinking the only reason I felt the way I did around Beth was because I saved her when she was younger, because I'm a vampire and all of my senses are so heightened. But that spark – the same one I felt when she kissed me, the one I feel whenever I hold her in my arms – is still there, maybe stronger than ever now that I'm human. I can't help but wonder if she feels it too. She must. It couldn't be so strong for me and mean nothing to her. I shake my head, trying to clear my mind. Her boyfriend, almost fiancé, just died a few days ago. I'm still standing in the cemetery where he was buried. I might be ready for this, but she couldn't be. And I know that a part of her, however small, still blames me for Josh's death.

"Stupid idea you know," it's a few hours later and Josef is sitting on the couch of my apartment, drinking a class of AB-, "Now that you're human you could die any day! Car accident, drowning, gunshot, suffication…and you don't even know how long you'll be this way."

I take a sip from my own drink – Scotch on the rocks. Tastes just as good as I remember, "Yeah, but it's worth it."

"Is it? I never understood you Mick. You get what almost every human dreams of, immortality, and you don't even want it."

"Watching everyone I love die?" I reply, "No thanks. And you know Josef, I really missed food. Don't you ever miss anything about being human?"

Josef shakes his head, "I'm just as happy being a perpetually young multimillionaire thanks," he drains his glass and stands up, "But listen I gotta get going. Big deal to close tomorrow."

I nod, "See you later then," he gives me a smile and is gone in a flash. Okay, so being a vampire did have some advantages.

I finish my glass and pour myself another. When you haven't tasted a good scotch since the 1950s you tend to take advantage of a good thing. On that note, I also haven't been drunk since the night before my wedding. Huh, tonight seems as good a night as any…

Just then there's a knock at my door. Hoping it's nothing that will hold up my recent decision to finish the bottle, I get up and look at the screen on the wall.

Beth.

Of course it would be her. I guess I had half an idea that she would show up here tonight anyway. I don't know why. It was more of a stray hope I guess, but then I'd dreamed about her showing up at my door for a million nights before this. But then, those dreams always involved her leaving Josh, falling into my arms, the two of us…Well, bottom line these little dreams never involved Josh actually being dead. Or her blaming me for it.

I open the door.

"Hi," she says, wiping her eyes in a way I know she hopes I won't notice, "Um, is this a bad time? Because if it is I can just – "

"No," I say, "No it's not a bad time at all. Please, come in."

She looks relieved and walks past me, sliding off her coat. She's changed since the funeral. Jeans and a light blue shirt that brings out her eyes. I hate myself just a little for noticing that.

"Look," she says, "I came here a couple nights ago and we started talking, but then Coraline showed up and we never really finished so I was just hoping we could…"

"Talk?"

"Yeah."

I nod and walk back over to the bar, "Can I get you a drink?"

"What are you having?"

"Scotch on the rocks."

"Yeah," she says, "I'll have one of those."

I pour her one and we sit down on the couch. Is it my imagination, or did she move away from me just a little bit?

"You're still wearing Josh's ring," I remark, hoping it sounds casual enough.

"Oh," she glances down at her hand and twists the ring self-consiously, "Yeah. I guess it's just…I don't know. I feel like I sort of should be wearing it you know? Like, out of respect for him it should be on my finger."

I move closer to her, praying she'll let me. I reach out and take her left hand, studying the ring and feeling an electric shock pulse through my body that has nothing to do with the scotch. I look up and meet her sad eyes with my own. Can she see the want behind them?

"Would you have said yes?" I ask quietly.

"I…" her voice fades, and suddenly everything fades. It's just us, two people – two humans, and I want nothing more than to hold her in my arms and make everything okay.

After what seems like eternity, Beth clears her throat and stands up, "I, I don't know what I would have said," she finishes, pacing slightly and taking a large gulp of her drink.

"You have to know," I reply, "Come on Beth you were with him for a year. You have to know whether or not you would have said yes," I know I'm pushing this, but something in me needs to know.

"Mick, I don't know. Everything's so confusing and complicated and I just… One minute I think I would have said yes because I loved him and we were so perfect together and up until a couple months ago I would have said yes without a second thought, but then," she turns to face me again, "Then you came along. And I didn't know what to think or how to feel, but having you in my life complicated everything, and I know we have something – "

I look away, but I feel her hand on my face as she turns me back to her, "You know we have something," she whispers, allowing herself to trace my features, "Whatever it is, there's a connection between us I haven't felt with anyone else, not even Josh. And that scares me, and that's…that's why I don't know what my answer would have been."

I put my hand on top of hers. The feel of her skin, the smell of perfume on her wrist – just to be able to have this sort of contact without seeing the outline of every vein and catching a sent of blood – was incredible.

"I'm sorry," she says suddenly, withdrawing her hand from underneath mine, "That was…I'm sorry."

"There's nothing to be sorry about."

"I was so hard on you for what happened to Josh, and now here I am in your apartment the day of his funeral talking about my feelings for you and how I don't know if I could have married him," she gives a small laugh, "I'd definitely call that mixed signals, wouldn't you?"

I smile, "Yeah, yeah I guess so. But I understand what you're feeling Beth, I do."

She eyed me for a moment, "Do you?"

"Yes."

She nodded, more to herself than in acknowledgement to my answer, "Still, I should go."

"Okay."

She hands me back the now half empty glass of scotch and reaches for her coat.

"Beth, wait," I say before I can stop myself.

"Yes?"

"Can I…" can I walk you home, can I stay with you tonight, can I love you...,"Is there anything else you need?"

She considers this for what seems like forever, and I wonder if I've said the wrong thing. I feel sure I have when I see the fresh tears forming.

"Yeah," she says quietly, looking at me with those beautiful blue-green eyes.

And I know what she's going to ask before she says another word. And I don't want her to have to ask for that, ever. She shouldn't need to. And I'm next to her in a second, holding her in my arms and feeling her cry softly into my shoulder.

"You never have to ask me to be there for you Beth," I whisper, smoothing her hair, "you never have to ask me for this, you already have it – you always have."

And I hear her whisper my name, so quietly I may have imagined it. I kiss the top of her head and find myself wishing we could be like this forever. Because having her in my arms, whether I'm human or a vampire, is the best feeling in the world.

**A/N: i hope you liked it, reviews would be lovely!**


	3. Making Sense

**A/N: I really appreciate all the great responses I've been getting to this story- thank you guys so much! And hey, keep it coming ;-)**

I don't want to leave Mick's apartment – or, more specifically, his arms. To just have a few moments when it doesn't feel like my world has just come crashing down is more than I could hope for, and being here with him now is giving me that.

All the more reason I should go. Now. Before I do something incredibly stupid.

"Um, thanks," I say, composing myself and pulling away from him, "Listen, I really should go. But…this was good. Really. I'm glad I stopped by."

"Yeah, I'm glad you did too."

I give Mick a small smile and head for the door.

"Just one more thing," Mick's voice comes from behind me, "I just need to know one more thing."

"What's that?" I ask, turning to face him.

"Do you still blame…what I mean is," he rubs his hand on the back of his neck, "Have you forgiven me for what happened?"

I look at him long and hard. Have I forgiven this man, this man who could have given Josh immortality, but instead let him suffer death. This man who has done so much for me. This man who looks at me now praying to hear the word yes. And I know I've already forgiven him.

"Yeah," I reply, "I forgive you."

"Thank you."

I nod and walk out the door. There are a million things going on in my mind, and I wish I could stop to organize them all. Going to see Mick was something I had to do, but it had only succeeded in causing the three ring circus that was my brain to dance around even more. I just need something constant right now. Something absolute and concrete because suddenly even the lines between life and death are blurred. Isn't anything certain?

I hear that voice in the back of my head again.

_Mick_, it whispers, knowing it doesn't need to talk loudly for me to hear it, _Your life might be insane right now, but he's there. He's always been there remember? Always._

I know the voice is right. It always is. And the more I consider it as I walk out into the cool night, the more sense it makes. He has always been there watching out for me, the only difference now is that I know him. The real him – or at least I think I do.

Just then, my phone rings. Glancing down, I see that it's Mo.

"Hi," I say, picking it up and hoping I don't sound like I'm in the middle of a mental collapse.

"Beth, hey," she replies," Listen I was just calling to make sure you were okay. I called the apartment and you didn't pick up, so…"

"Oh yeah, yeah I'm sorry about that. I'm…out. I needed to go for a walk, clear my head a little bit."

"Are you doing okay?"

"As good as can be expected."

"All right. Let me know if you need anything okay? I'm here for you."

I thank her and hang up. I wonder what she would have thought if I'd told her I had been at Mick's. Was Josh the only one who noticed the way things were between us, or had other people been talking about it too?

I give myself a mental shake. It doesn't matter what any of them said or thought. It's only then I realize I've stopped walking. I start up again, but my feet don't seem particularly willing to move, and overall I feel like I would just rather not go home right now. Everything in my apartment reminds me of Josh. My kitchen is still stocked with our favorite wines, the couch where we had our first make-out session and I felt like a teenager again, the bedroom…staying in that place has just been so hard for the past couple days.

Before I know it, I've turned around. My feet are directing me back into Mick's building and into the elevator. And the strange thing is that I feel like I'm going in the right direction. I always feel that way when I come here. That probably can't mean anything good.

The elevator gives a resolute 'ding' and the doors open to the hallway. Taking a deep breath and not entirely sure of what I'll even say, I walk to Mick's door and knock.

"Beth," he says, sounding surprised to see me again so soon, "I thought you were – "

"Yeah," I reply, "I thought I was too. But I can't go back to my apartment tonight. Everything reminds me of Josh, I don't know if I can take it anymore."

He looks uncertain of what to say, and I'm half hoping he'll turn me away and suggest I stay at a hotel. That would be a good thing for him to say. That would keep this complicated mess a little less complicated.

But that's not what he says.

"You can stay here tonight if you'd like to. I mean you know, I don't have a bed or anything but you can stay on the couch."

"What about you?" I ask, because it's suddenly occurred to me that of course he can't sleep in his freezer.

"A chair, the floor, whatever," he replies.

"Oh no, I can't do that to you. You're finally human and you can't even have a couch to sleep on? I don't even really think I should have come back here, it's just that I couldn't think of anywhere else and I was already so close…"

I'm babbling. And I know I am and it's because of the way Mick is looking at me right now. We lock eyes for a moment and I turn away.

"Please don't look at me like that," I say self-consciously, tucking some hair behind my ear.

"Like how?" he asks, and even though my back is facing him I know he's taken a step toward me.

"Like you…" I want to say 'like you love me'. But I know how ridiculous that sounds.

He puts his hand on my shoulder and turns me to face him, "Like it tears me apart to see you this way? Like I want to take everything away that's ever hurt you?" he slides his thumb along my jawline, "Like there are a million things I want to say to you and even though I'll hate myself for it and I don't know if it's right, the only thing I can think to do is this."

And he kisses me. Softly, slowly, like he wants to savor every second of it. And I feel like I should push him away. Slap him and tell him he has no right to do that.

But I don't. I can't. Because it just feels so right that for now I don't really care. I'm sick of fighting it.

I don't know if I'll end up regretting this or loving myself for it, but I do know that right now, as complicated and messed up as everything is, kissing Mick St. John makes absolute sense.


	4. Hiding

**A/N: Thank you guys so much for the reviews! A lot of people have commented on how realistic the characters are - I've really been working on that so I'm glad it seems to be paying off ******

**Now, let's see how Mick feels about that kiss…**

It's just the two of us, and I feel completely connected to her. Not in the vampire sense – I can't smell or taste her blood – but I can smell and taste her. And it's incredible. The last woman I kissed as a human was Coraline all those year ago. But kissing Beth is different, different in a way that makes me feel more alive than I ever have before.

I wonder if she's going to stop me. I half expected her to pull away when I leaned in. I thought she would be angry with me for doing that, but I couldn't help it. It didn't matter. Seeing her standing in my apartment telling me she couldn't go home tonight, and then being worried about _me _not having a place to sleep…I guess I just lost my head.

After what feels like forever we separate. I'm not ready to let her go, to lose the feeling of her soft lips against mine, but I let her go anyway. I don't know if she ended it or I did, but I guess it doesn't really matter.

"Mick, I…"

"I shouldn't have done that," I turn away from her and stride toward the bar, immediately regretting giving in. Another scotch? I think so, "I'm sorry, it was completely inappropriate."

"No, it wasn't," the strength in Beth's voice surprises me, "Mick, I'm sick of you apologizing for things like this. You spend your whole life apologizing – apologizing for what you are, what you've done, who you've wronged," she's by my side in seconds and grabs me by the arm so that I face her.

"It's time for you to stop apologizing and start living. You're human remember? You don't have the excuse of eternity to hide behind anymore. You don't have the time to waste regretting everything you've ever done."

I'm about to protest, until I realize that Beth is right. It was easier when I was a vampire to live inside myself. To wake up every morning hating who I was and spend the day trying to make it so that I didn't feel that way when I went to bed. But now I'm human, for how long I don't know. And the way I live my life isn't right for a human. There's too much regret that I allow to rule my world. There isn't time for that now.

"Beth I'm not human forever."

"Yeah, well in case you haven't noticed, there isn't much that is forever."

I'm about to interrupt but she puts up her hand, "Even vampires can be killed. Their forever isn't guaranteed. No one's is."

"Look if we start something now, it could never last. I'll change back. I'll become what I was again. I'll hate myself again – I hate myself now."

"And I'm telling you to stop it," there is an anger and desperation in her voice that I've never heard before, "Please just stop it; I can't stand how much you hate yourself. Don't you see how amazing you are? Can't you tell that I don't fucking _care_ if you're a vampire or not?"

"But you should care Beth! The reason I care so damn much is because you don't!"

Beth eyes me strangely, "What exactly are you saying?"

"I'm saying that you should've stopped me from kissing you and you didn't. I'm saying that sometimes you don't seem to worry enough about your own well-being and that's why I have to worry about you."

"You _have _to worry about me?"

I can tell I've said the wrong thing by the tone of her voice, but I'm too angry to care. She shouldn't have let me do that. Why did she let me do that? The regret is growing in me like a monster.

"Yeah, I do. And you know why? Because if I don't you'll get yourself into trouble. If I don't look out for your best interests you'll forget what I am, you'll make me forget what I am. And it'll hurt that much more when we have to remember. Damn it Beth one of us needs to control ourselves!"

I almost yell the last part. She's being absolutely infuriating. Why can't she just see what a disaster this would be, why can't she just walk away and do what's best for her?

We stand in silence for a few minutes, and then Beth goes over to the couch and grabs her coat. Before leaving, she turns back to me.

"I spent the past three months working along side you almost every single day. And I wanted you every single day. But I did nothing. I did nothing because I was with Josh, and because I knew you wouldn't want me to, wouldn't let me. But I saw the way you looked at me. I've noticed every glance you ever threw my way. And then I couldn't take it anymore and I kissed you. And it felt right. It felt right but I tried to ignore it. I'm still trying to ignore it Mick and I'm tired of it, don't you know how hard this is for me – "

"I do know Beth, that's why it would be better if we just –"

"If we just stop this? I don't believe you. I don't believe you want to stop this no matter what kind of noble act you're putting on. And you say one of us has to control themselves. Well I have been controlling myself. In case you didn't notice, I'm not the one who kissed you five minutes ago. I might have wanted it, but I wasn't going to do it because I knew you would tell me no. That's all you ever say Mick. No. You'll use any excuse to bury your feelings for me."

"And what exactly are my feelings for you?" I ask, half hoping, half afraid she'll have the answer right.

Beth takes a deep breath, "You love me," she replies. It's a bold statement. I can sense that even she feels scared to say it.

And I don't say anything. I won't deny it, but I pray she takes my silence as a no and leaves. There's that word again…no. But it would be better for her if she leaves. It would tear me apart, but it would be better.

My silence is hurting her. I can see it and I hate it. I don't want to hurt her, ever. I want to be the one who stops the hurt. That's why I need this to end. That kiss proved I can't control myself. I don't want her to have to deal with what I am, and I know I couldn't stand the pain of losing her in the end. It's painful enough now, just seeing her getting ready to walk out my door. I have to make a conscious effort not to go to her right now and put my arms around her.

"Or maybe I'm wrong," she whispers, her eyes filling with tears that she refuses to let fall, "maybe it's just me who loves you. But the difference between us is that I won't hide behind anything. I'm not using the well being of someone else to cover up how I feel, not anymore." she inhales shakily; "this is me Mick. This is everything. And I'm sick of lying. I love you whether you want me to or not."

And with that she turns and walks out the door. I don't know where she's going – back to her apartment, maybe to Mo's, maybe just to a hotel. But I do know that if I don't go after her tonight I've lost something. Beth. My Beth who's been strong for so long, who's fought against everything just as much as I have…who finally let the truth in.

And what about me? A coward. A fool. Afraid of love. I know she's right. I hide behind what I am – what I'm not anymore. I hide behind warnings of what's best for her, what would keep her out of harm's way.

I need to go after her, but my feet won't move. I feel sick. Still standing there, staring at the door, I feel tears start to form in my eyes. I can't remember the last time I cried.

"I love you Beth," I whisper.

And I pray that somehow she hears those words. Hears them and loves me even though I wasn't man enough – human enough – to finally say them to her face.

**A/N: ooh a bit of drama there. I hope Mick and Beth can work this one out - Please review darlings!**


	5. holiday inn

**A/N: so I think moonlight fanfics might just be my calling. I can't stop writing! Huh, I wonder if there could be any money in this…lol**

I guess a part of me – well okay, all of me – was hoping that Mick would come after me. That I would be halfway out the door of his building and I would feel his hand on my arm, telling me to wait. Telling me he loved me. But that didn't happen.

It was the hope I held onto as I turned the corner, as I passed out of the sight of his window, as I hailed a cab, and it was the hope I finally let go of as I walked through the door of the nearest Holiday Inn.

Upscale, I know.

"Hi," I say to the consierge at the front desk, "I'd like a room please, just for the night."

The young man eyes me as though trying to decide whether or not I'm a hooker. After a moment, he seems to think I look okay and I hand over my credit card. He gives me the key to room 334 and I thank him.

"Any luggage Miss?" he asks as I start to walk away.

"No," I reply, but as I turn away I can't help muttering, "But I've got plenty of baggage."

The elevator door opens with a ding, and shuts with another resounding ding. As it moves slowly up to my floor, I swallow my tears and decide that I've cried enough today. I can't take anymore. I glance absent-mindedly at my watch and wonder what I was doing this time last week. Let's see, 11pm Saturday night.

I was with Josh. Of course.

The elevator doors open and I wander along the hall until I come to my room. When I was little I loved hotels. I always thought of how cool it would be when I was finally an adult to stay in them whenever I wanted. Never in a million years did I think I would be here under these circumstances. Sliding the electronic key into the slot and hearing the positive beep, I enter my room.

It looks just like every other hotel room. There was a vague attempt to give it some personality with generic modern art, curtains hanging over the door to the tiny balcony that look like they were made out of polyester in the 70s, and of course the trademark green carpet. Empty, cold, devoid of real feeling – rather like my mind right now.

--------------

An hour later I'm sitting on the bed of this pathetic hotel room with a bottle of cheap champagne next to me. Who knew The Holiday Inn provided such great room service?

Well okay, great is an overstatement.

I guess I'll probably be drunk soon. And it's at this moment that I realize how pathetic I must look. Sitting on this bed in an empty room on the night of my boyfriend's funeral, drinking champagne in my underwear because I have no pajamas and thinking about my recent confession of love to another man.

At this point I guess I've accepted that Mick isn't going to come find me. Human or vampire, he is one of the most stubborn and annoyingly noble people I've never met. I can't really believe that he doesn't love me – the way he looks at me….there has to be something there. But he is exactly the sort of guy who would lie about his feelings to 'do what's best for me'. What guys like that never seem to understand is that they hurt you far more by protecting you than they do by just being honest. And not just that, they hurt themselves too.

I take a deep breath and another swig of champagne. I just thought that Mick was the kind of person who would have the guts to stop hiding behind his tough-guy persona. But I was wrong. And now he knows I love him. I could kill myself and join Josh.

Oh God, Josh. If he can see me now he must hate me. I send up a silent apology for everything, more specifically everything that's happened since this afternoon. I hope he hears me, and I hope he forgives me.

Suddenly I hear a knock on my door. I'm not going to answer it. Chances are it's either a housekeeping or room service – neither of whom I want to see, particularly in my current state. But then I hear a voice, and I think I must be drunk because there's no way it's him.

"Beth? Beth are you in there? It's Mick. I…I need to talk to you. Please let me in."

I stop and consider this for a moment. If I'm having a drunken delusion, then I'll open the door and no one will be there, and I'll just come back to bed and go to sleep. No harm done. But if it is Mick…

My body is moving faster than my mind, and I find myself at the door and unlocking it. I swing it open and there he is.

"I…"

I don't finish my sentence, because his lips come crashing down on mine. And I'm swept away again, I can't help it. There's nothing in the world that compares to kissing him. A vague thought floats through my mind and I think that if the consierge let Mick up here he must definitely think I'm a hooker. I laugh a little to myself.

Mick pulls away from me and steps into the room. I shut the door and turn to face him. Apparently he hadn't noticed I'm in nothing but my underwear, but I can tell the exact moment he does notice and I pass by him to pull on my t-shirt feeling more than a little self-conscious.

"What's that?" he asks, pointing to the bottle of champagne.

"Exactly what it looks like," I reply.

"Beth," he moves closer to the nightstand and studies my face, "Are you drunk?"

"Only a little," I reply, " I can't deal with this right now Mick. I think you should go."

"No," he says, "No Beth I'm not going anywhere. I can't leave you here like this."

"Why not? Because you're worried about me? Let me tell you something Mick, you might think you're helping me by worrying so much, you might think that you're protecting me. But all you're trying to do is protect yourself."

"I know."

His response catches me off guard.

"You're actually admitting to that?"

"Yeah, I am. But that's not why I can't leave you. I can't leave you because it's my fault you're here right now. You should be at my apartment, not in some cheap hotel room drunk and alone. You should be with me."

I shake my head, "That's not the impression I got earlier Mick. And you can't just show up at my door and kiss me after what happened. That won't just make things okay. So if you could just leave I think I'm going to go to bed."

To illustrate my point, I climb under the sheets. I'm waiting for him to go away – I can't handle seeing him here, looking at me with such sadness in his eyes. Like he pities me. I hate pity.

"You didn't let me finish," he says, "please Beth, get out of bed."

"Why?"

"Just get out of bed. Please."

I obey, for reasons I don't really understand. He uses both his hands to smooth over my hair, and traces my face lightly.

"You were going to tell me the rest of the reason you couldn't leave," I say, barely whispering and trying desperately to keep my head and remain upset.

"Yeah," he replies. He kisses me, first on my forehead and then on each of my cheeks, finally he says those words.

"I love you."

I pull away and look him squarely in the eye for what seems like hours, "Do you?"

"Yes. I love everything about you Beth. And I love you for loving me even though I'm selfish and scared and I don't deserve you. That's what I'm most afraid of - that sooner or later you'll realize I don't deserve you."

"That's not true," I whisper, putting my head on his shoulder and loving the way my body fits with his, "That will never be true."

**A/N: well it's not quite over yet – we still have to find out how the hell Mick got from standing in his apartment unable to move to finally confessing his love for Beth. One or two more chapters should do it! Feel free to show the story (and me) some love :-)**


	6. Getting there, being here

**A/N: So I was gonna wait a day or two before updating again, but right now my homework load is light and this story is dying to get out of me. So without further ado…**

I can't believe my life at this moment. It almost feels like I'm going to stay human forever – growing old with Beth and spending every day of my life loving her, holding her, being everything she needs. It might not last, but I won't let myself think about that, not now while I'm holding her warm body against mine.

Actually getting here turned out to be a lot harder than I thought. See, I'm used to being able to catch onto the scent of anyone I want to find and letting that just lead me right to them. It's sort of become habit at this point, which is why that was the first thing I tried. And, obviously, it didn't really work out.

---------------------------

I'm still standing in my apartment, hating myself for letting her walk out the door. After a few minutes of silence, I let out a yell and through my glass of scotch at the wall. It broke, shattering into a million little pieces and making me feel just a little better. At least part of me was still capable of taking some action. I realize I need to go after her, but those moments had cost me and by the time I get outside, she was gone. I close my eyes and take a deep inhale, but all I get is the smell of the air. No Beth, not even a hint of where she could have gone. But of course there wasn't – I'm human.

Figures. Just when I get my humanity back I suddenly need my vamp senses.

"Okay," I tell myself, leaning my hand against the stone wall of my building, "I need to find her. I need to find her."

It's like a mantra in my head and I flip open my cell and dial Josef's number.

"Yeah?" he picks up after several rings sounding agitated, and I wonder if I interrupted a feeding party.

"Josef, it's Mick. I need you to help me find someone."

"Come on Mick seriously? Can't this wait? Or better yet, can't you do it yourself?"

"I'm human you idiot, remember?"

I can almost see Josef rolling his eyes, "Yeah yeah, I forgot. Who is it you need?"

"Beth."

"Beth?" his voice registers the smallest amount of concern, "Did something happen to her?"

"That's just it, I don't know. She just stormed out of my place and now I can't find her."

"Why'd she do that?"

"She…" I hesitate, wondering if I really want to tell Josef this, "She told me she loved me, and I didn't say anything. I didn't even move."

"I'm sorry, a gorgeous blonde woman comes to your apartment and finally confesses her love for you and even though you _obviously _feel the same way, you say nothing. Is that right?"

"That's about it, yeah."

"Well I can't blame her then, I would've left too."

"I know I know but I need to find her now because I have to tell her."

There is a pause on the phone and I hear voices in the background, "Listen Mick," and I can tell by the tone of Josef's voice what he's going to say next, "I'd like to help you. Really I would. But I don't want to get involved in this lover's tiff. You two need to work things out once and for all – and without my help."

"No Josef, wait you don't – " the line goes dead before I can finish. I try calling again but there's no answer. He doesn't understand, if I don't find Beth right now, tonight, I'll lose her for good.

I try calling her apartment. No answer. I call again and still get no answer, but I leave a message on her machine telling her to call me as soon as she can. I try her cell too, but of course I get nothing. I'm about to call her friend Mo, but I realize that a phone call to one of her best friends at 11pm the night of her boyfriend's funeral asking where she is might not give anyone a real sense of calm.

I'm a PI for God's sake, human PIs solve missing person cases all the time without the perks of immortality helping them along. Have I really become that dependent on being a vamp?

I don't like that idea at all.

Going back up to my apartment, I enter my office and sit down, exhasperated. I look up at my computer screen and suddenly realize the yellow sticky note next to the screen with a name and number on it.

Logan. Of course, Logan could help me find her in a second! Last I talked to him was when Beth and I were working on the case with the teenage vamp awhile ago. When she had kissed me…

I shake myself out of the memory and dial his number.

"Heylo."

"Logan, it's Mick."

"Oh hey, how's it going? Need me to find some more hookers or vampire killers?"

"Actually no. But this is really important. I need you to find Beth," I glance at my watch, "Preferably within the next five minutes."

"Beth…that blonde chick you were here with?"

"Yeah her."

"Why do you – "

"You know Logan, it really doesn't matter why. Just do it. Please."

"How much are you gonna pay me for this?"

"Well I won't come over and slice your head off, how's that?"

I know I scare him just a little bit, so after a few seconds of silence he agrees.

"No need to get touchy," he adds, "So does her phone have GPS?"

"I think so," I reply.

"Right then. What's her number?"

I give him her number and provider and listen as he punches numbers and codes into his computer. After about a minute he get back on the line.

"Okay, I've got the address," he gives me a street name and numbers that I don't particularly recognize and is half way through saying your welcome when I hang up the phone. Forgoing the elevator, I tear down the stairs, out into the street and hail myself a cab.

"Where to?" he asks. I give him the address and tell him to step on it.

I almost feel like I'm in a movie.

After a small nightmare of traffic thanks to the driver's choice to take the freeway instead of side streets, he pulls up outside of a Holiday Inn. I throw some money at him and take off toward the door at something slightly less than a sprint.

"Hi," I say when I reach the front desk, "I'm looking for someone."

"And who might that be sir?" the consierge asks.

"Beth Turner. She should have checked a little while ago."

"I'm sorry, are you with Ms. Turner sir? She only requested a single room."

"No, I'm not _with _her, but I need to see her," I would be with her if I weren't such a coward.

"I'm sorry sir. Hotel policy, I can't give you any information unless you're with the party."

I take a deep breath and try to calm myself down before I blow up at this guy, "Listen, it's really important that I see her tonight. Can't you just break the damn rules?"

"I don't appreciate your language sir, and hotel policy…"

"Fuck hotel policy!" I don't mean to yell, but I can hear my voice reverberating back to me. Oops.

"I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to leave."

In desperation, I take my PI badge out of my wallet and dangle it in the consierge's face, "See this?" I lower my voice and speak through clenched teeth, "I'm a private investigator with the LAPD. Beth Turner is a star witness in a trial going on tomorrow but the man she is testifying against escaped and is on the hunt for her. I received information that she is staying in this hotel and my instructions are to bring her back unharmed before that psycho gets his hands on her and ruins the trial of the fucking century."

For a moment I think the consierge isn't going to move and I'm seriously considering physical violence. But finally he turns around, picks up a key and hands it to me, "Room 334 sir," he says, sounding more than a little scared.

"Thank you," I reply politely.

I soon find myself standing outside room 334 and preparing to knock. But the thing is that suddenly I can't. I start pacing around in the hall.

"Come on, just knock on the door. Just knock on the damn door."

I'm glad no one comes through the hallway, because I spend the next fifteen minutes looking like an absolute idiot muttering to myself about this. Finally, I knock on the door, she answers, and any words I had planned are absolutely gone. I grab her and kiss her.

----------------------

"We should probably get out of here," I whisper as Beth and I stand there in each other's arms.

"Why?"

I pull away and laugh a little, "Because the only way I could get the consierge to let me up here was by telling him you were a star witness for a trial but the killer escaped and is after you."

She looks at me for a moment, and then bursts out laughing. Soon I'm laughing too – not just because of that stupid lie I told, but because I'm here with Beth and she finally…I finally…things just finally seem right between us.

"Okay," she says, "Just give me a second."

A few minutes later the elevator door opens out into the lobby. I'm holding Beth's arm and making sure that I'm explaining fairly loudly how we need to get her to a safe house. She nods vehemently and tries to look scared as the consierge watches us go.

I hail down a taxi, realizing that I feel happier now than I have in years.

"Where are you folks off to?" the driver asks.

"Umm," I look at Beth, unsure of how to answer.

"Your place," she replies, giving me a flirtatious smile, "we still need to talk a little more."

I give him my address and turn back to her.

"Talking?" I ask, "I think we have a lot more than talking to do."

I slide my hand onto her thigh.

"Mick St. John," she says, crossing her legs, "please. One of us has to control ourselves."

I laugh a little bit and lean in to kiss her cheek.

"Okay," I whisper in her ear, liking how it makes her shiver just a little bit, "But only until we get inside my door."

**A/N: Okay, so one more chapter to go and I think this story should be all wrapped up. Reviews are welcome! And seriously, how many of us wouldn't want Mick St. John whispering in our ear….swoon**


	7. AN

**A/N: so I won't be around for awhile, I'll be in PA at a funeral for the next few days. But I promise the last chapter will be worth the wait!**


	8. Worth it

**A/N: I'm back! And very excited about the fact that the writer's strike will be ending soon (the studios are finalizing contracts). More 'moonlight' – yay!**

**Well now, let's see what happens back at Mick's apartment…**

The cab ride back to Mick's feels like eternity. I wonder as a he softly runs his hand up and down the inside of my thigh if he knows how crazy he's driving me. I glance over at him and he smirks at me.

Of course he does.

The cab pulls up to the curb, Mick hands the driver a wad of cash and we get out. Seconds later, we are upstairs in his apartment. It seems strange to me that I stormed out of here just a few hours ago, and now suddenly here I am again – but this time I know he loves me. He loves me. Mick St. John loves me. I could repeat those words a thousand times and still I wouldn't get tired of hearing them. I guess in the back of my mind I always knew that he did, but now he's finally said it, finally stopped hiding behind excuses.

Mick comes over to me and helps me slide off my coat, kissing my neck lightly and making me shiver. But I need to stay in control here. There's a question I need an answer to before things go any further than this.

"Mick?" I start, my voice hoarse in my throat.

"Yeah?" he replies softly.

"There's…there's just one thing I need to know before we do this," suddenly I'm very aware of what exactly I mean by 'this'.

"What is it?" he asks, putting my coat down and turning to face me.

"The cure, it's not permanent, at least not yet. And I just need to know…however long you have, after you…I mean…"

"You want to know if we'll still be together after I change back?"

I nod mutely.

He sighs and sits down on the couch, rubbing his temples. I come and sit next to him, a little scared of what the answer could be. I won't lose him, not now that I know how he feels. Even if I have to turn for him, I would do it.

"That's a hard question Beth," he begins, "We don't even know how long I'll be like this. I didn't get the chance to ask Coraline how long she'd been human before her brother took her. It could be just a few weeks, maybe months, hell if I'm lucky it could be years."

"That doesn't quite answer my question," I say slowly.

"I know. I want to say yes. We'll be together no matter what and nothing can change that. But think about it. When I turn back I'll be immortal again. Fifty years from now I'll still be exactly the same. I don't think I could bear to watch you grow old and…" he fades off, but I know what he was going to say. He doesn't want to watch me grow old and die, while he stays forever young.

"Look at me," I say, turning his face toward mine, "I can't, I won't be with you now unless I know it's for good. It would hurt too much to lose you."

"That's what I'm trying to say," Mick replies, "It would hurt too much to lose you feeling the way I do. I don't think I could stand it."

"But you love me. Whether or not we're together, that's still true. It will still hurt," I take a deep breath, "I would turn for you Mick. Just ask me to and I will."

"No," he says, standing up, "No I could never ask you to do that."

"If that's the only way we can be together I want to do it."

"Beth it would destroy your life. All of your friends, family, everything would change. You have no idea."

"It doesn't matter if I'm with you. Don't you understand that?"

We're both standing now, and he's studying my face intently, as if looking for a sign that I'm lying. I look him directly in the eyes, willing him to know that I'm serious about this.

Suddenly Mick pulls me into his arms and kisses me. Hard, passionate, holding onto me like I'm the only thing in the world that can save him. I can't help but respond. His lips are soft and bittersweet, I can still taste a hint of scotch on his tongue. I don't know how long we stay like that, but finally he breaks the kiss, both of us breathing heavily. He keeps me close and suddenly I feel like I'm back to that night he saved me from the professor, my arms wrapped around him and feeling completely safe for reasons I didn't understand then.

"I love you so much," he whispers.

"We'll find a way to make this work," I reply.

"I know," he says, pulling away from me and studying my face, "I don't think I could feel right without you. Not anymore."

I kiss him softly and feel his strong hands around my waist, sliding off my shirt.

"Are you sure you're okay with this?" he asks, his lips almost touching mine.

I laugh a little bit, "For a PI you're not very quick are you?"

I pull his shirt off over his head and run my hands along his naked back, feeling the hard muscle and his broad shoulders. I run my fingers lightly along his spine and feel him shudder.

"I'll take that as a yes?"

I just kiss him again, tugging at his bottom lip and running my hands down along his hipbones. He groans and picks me up so my legs are wrapped around him.

"100 percent yes," I manage to say.

"You know," he remarks, "I don't exactly have a bed…"

I smile and run a hand through his hair, "I prefer couches anyway," I glance toward it, "And besides, I always thought it was too big of a couch not to be put to good use."

The truth is that I don't care where I am – hell, it could be in the middle of Times Square – just as long as I'm with him.

And I can't help but think as I lay there and feel Mick trail gentle kisses across my abdomen, and lower still, that whatever we're starting is going to be complicated. It'll be one for the record books, it'll have the potential to be a disaster…

But I know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that it's worth it - he's worth it. And that's all that matters.

**FIN**

**A/N: Sooo, what did you think? I'll be starting up a new one soon!**


	9. Chapter 8 up and running!

**A/N: Hey guys, the last chapter (ch. 8) is working now, so go check it out! Stupid technology always trying to pull one over on me….anywho, enjoy and review!**


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